Saturday, May 16, 2009

Deep Thoughts

No Jack Handey thoughts here, but I feel the need to get some thoughts down. You may or may not know that I've been seeing a therapist to help me get a handle on whatever had been holding me back from continuing and maintaining weight loss.

The good news is that I don't feel like slowing down my weight loss at all right now. My reasonable destination (155) feels very much assured right now, and further destinations (145 or - maybe - 135) feel like strong possibilities, though I can't say until I get closer whether or not I even want to go that low.

The other (not really "bad") news is that some thoughts have been swirling around my head lately, that need some sorting. Or at least some venting. Since my "averaged" weight is right smack on 200.0 today, it seems an appropriate day to do so. Something about being on the verge of multiple breakthroughs; it's apt. Alright, on with the show.

First, I spent a few days last week in what I'll call a "middle school girl" mentality. I had spent a few hours with a guy friend and became a little delusional about it, imagining that he was interested in me romantically. (I'm 99.995% sure that he has zero interested in me.) But, more importantly, this brought me into a very weird place. I genuinely argued with myself for a while, and it really wasn't even about whether or not he was interested. It was about whether or not I was even worthy of his interest. Why the hell not? Indeed, why not. But I'm going to assume that I don't need to spell out my insecurities.

But here's where it gets icky. Part of me (delusionally) continues to think that there's a hope here. (Note that I'm not even asking myself whether or not I even am or should be interested in him.) Part of me thinks that I'm not even on his radar because I'm so far below his league. But am I? I really don't kow anymore. Maybe I'm not, so maybe there's an opportunity. But of course not. So, there we go. Around and around. Back and forth.

Have I kept myself overweight so that I don't even have to deal with this? So that I can brush off any possibility and not even worry about being vulnerable? I mean, really, it makes sense, doesn't it? Cloister yourself well enough, and you don't have to worry about rejection. And if someone happens to express interest despite your weight and semi-monkhood, then there's clearly something wrong with him, and you definitely don't want to get anywhere close to him! (I used to "joke" that if anyone had low enough standards to be interested in me... my standards were too high to be interested in him. That was a joke. Or so I convinced myself. How awful.)

Something similar is going on with simply trying to let myself develop a social life. Same self-imposed hermitage, same weird arguments with self. Well, they're slightly different. Now part of me argues that they spend time with me only because they feel sorry for me. (How insane is that part of me? How many people choose to spend time with people they don't like only out of pity? Come on!) But no matter how I try to rationally argue that, and how absolutely insane it sounds, that part of me remains convinced that few people want to be my friend.

And if I keep hiding myself away, that part of me can always feel justified that people don't like me. And the other part of me never has to deal with the possibility that that part is right. (How awful would that be?)

I don't remember quite what I said yesterday, but I was beginning to use the gym as an excuse to maintain my hermitage yesterday afternoon. They brushed it off, and then began reassuring me about my appearance and, really, general worthiness. Frak. Good intentions aside, that doesn't help. That just makes me realize that I'm putting out this unworthy, needy attitude, and that's the last thing I want.

(And, beyond that, I really did need to get to the gym. Yesterday makes the third consecutive day without exercising, and I genuinely do not want to get into the wrong pattern. But a social life is definitely needed. I'm tired of being a hermit.)

The good news is that I did stay, chated while they ate dinner (I ate a little earlier), and watched a movie with them. A good time in general. And the earth didn't crumble.

But I can't get those "voices" in my head to shut up. It gets tiresome; it really does. I really need to get this stuff worked out. My outside is very close to "normal". The inside needs to catch up.