Presenting "Toy" Number One

Well, this is what it's come to. I'm consistently exercising and eating right, and everything is going well, but I have nothing interesting to say. (OK, OK, even less interesting to say than normal.) So I'm going to "review"/describe one of my favorite "toys". Yes, I'll confess that my wallet hates my lifestyle change. I, on the other hand, love the gadgets and tools. Maybe we'll reach a compromise soon. (Note: Nothing you see here is an affiliate link. I'll let you know if that ever changes.)

So, up first: The Blender Bottle. (If you search around, you can probably find it cheaper through another site.)

Let me tell you: This is no gimmick. The little whisk ball you see in the picture zips around the inside of the bottle (powered by your shaking, of course) and mixes it all up. And I mean it all.

Note: I've tried the others. The ones with a little mixing grate near the top. Even one with a battery-powered blender at the bottom. (Well, actually, that one worked well but had no way of closing, so it wasn't exactly portable.)

It's truly a thing of beauty. Protein powder? Blended. Powdered greens? Smooth. Powdered egg white? Well, there we have one problem. It whips so well that my egg whites become frothy. So, yes, one could complain that it works too well.

Aside from the too-frothy egg whites, I also haven't been able to quite figure out how to drink right after shaking without dripping stuff off the lid. I've resorted to slurping off the lid before I sip. No biggie; it's clean.

Some nice touches:

• Measurements on the side for easy-ish reference. (The -ish is due to a clear choice of form over function, as the marks are formed in the plastic and not drawn on. This means that they will last and don't clutter the design, but it also means that they're quite often hard to see and read.)
• Incredibly easy cleaning. It's top-rack safe, but you can also fill it with hot water and a drop of dish soap and let it "self-clean" by whisking, rinsing, and repeating until water is clear.
• Easy-open and stay-open top. It stays in whatever position you place it. This means you don't get any green, purple, or whatever gunk on the tip of your nose from the cap falling shut. This should, theoretically, also help provide a way to reduce the drips, but all I can cause it to do is save the drips in the groove of the lid. See slurping, above, for my solution. No matter; this is a small price to pay.
• Smooth mixing. Did I make that clear earlier? Seriously, I'm not kidding. I recently added some protein powder to a relatively thick green smoothie, and it blended the powder evenly in seconds. That's probably the hardest challenge I've given it, and it passed with flying colors.

How I use (or have used) it:

• Before I bit the bullet and bought a high-powered blender, I'd buy a whole juice such as Naked Juice. Use half the bottle (8 oz.) of juice, add a little more water, mix in powdered greens and protein powder or egg white. Give it a few shakes, throw it in the work bag without fear of opening, store it in the mini-fridge until my morning snack time, remix for a few seconds, and enjoy.
• Ready-to-go reduced yolk egg mix. I mix something like three whole eggs with powdered egg whites equivalent to 1.5 cups, an appropriate amount of water, and mix away. (The fact that there's yolk in there cuts down on the frothiness.) Store it in the fridge and use on demand for many uses, including omelets, fried-rice, and breakfast mixes in my rice cooker (oatmeal or rice).
• Now that I have a blender capable of whole-fruit/vegetable smoothies, it's the perfect tool for bringing my smoothies with me. I pour half the smoothie into a glass for part of my breakfast and pour the other half in the blenderbottle. Any settling is easily repaired with a few flips of the wrist, and I'm ready to freak out my students with my often-green fruit/veggie smoothie. (They still want me to blend spaghetti and meatballs, but I keep telling them that they're missing the point.)

You can also use it for things like mixing salad dressing, but I've never seen the need. Honestly, with just the uses I've listed above, they've already been a fantastic value. If you make smoothies, protein drinks, or any other drinkables that need to be well mixed, I've seen nothing that beats this. Drink up.

Random Observations

So here are some tiny things I've noticed lately.

• My skin is clearer and smoother.
• I swear I can feel muscle on my upper arms. (I hope no one notices me massaging and admiring them.)
• My belly is significantly more "jiggly". (I don't admire this in public.)
• My hips can no longer touch both sides of the bathtub at once. (Yes, they would actually block the water.)
• My belly no longer juts out as if no mere pants can hold it back.
• My back fat doesn't stick out over my pants and around my bra... as much.
• I don't crave sugary sodas.
• I drive by fast food restaraunts without even thinking about them.
• I am aware enough of my body to actually feel when I'm stressed out enough that my blood pressure rises.
• My cheekbones are starting to emerge.
• I can feel my collarbones again.
• I see just a hint of that beautiful "cut" line my calves had in my major cycling days.
• Clothing that used to fit is becoming just a bit too loose.
• Those shirts hanging in my closet gathering dust because they were just a bit too tight are now fitting just about perfectly.
• More and more frequently, I like what I see in full-length mirrors.

That's all for now. And that's good enough for now.

A Gentler Path to Running

OK, so I made it to week six of the c25k a while ago. Technically, I made it past that. But, really, it was torture. So it's no surprise that I stopped. (Well, to be fair, I also began swimming a lot more because I really began to get it.)

And then it hit me: I have a 5k in, um, seven weeks!

Well, now, that could be a problem.

So, I have two options: Restart and continue the c25k or select another way of training for the 5k. (Well, technically I have a third option of not running the 5k in April, but come on... that's not really an option, now is it?)

As much as I like the c25k, it came with one major problem: I would push myself very hard. I have a habit of doing that. I think I've admitted before that I'd rather die than be last on a hike. (Actually, I did get over that with last week's snowshoe hike with the Sierra Club; I decided that being last would, indeed, be a bit better than having to be rescued by a helicopter.) But my point still stands: I push myself hard.

With the c25k, I'm frequently running in the 165-175 bpm range, even reaching up to 180. (That's quite high for someone with a historical max HR of 185 bpm. I'm still working up the courage to truly test my MHR.) According to everything I'm finding, that is actually in the anaerobic range, and I'm not truly building my aerobic base. Instead, I'm torturing myself in a range referred to as "hot", which does build the lactate threshold, but which even very fit people have difficulty maintaing for long. Well, isn't that interesting?

Warning: technical and yawn-inducing stuff follows. Grab a cup of coffee. That is, of course, if you don't already know my blog well enough to have a cup in your hand already.

So, what to do? After reading around, I've decided two things. One, I'm going to start using my heart rate reserve (HRR) to compute my training zones. This makes sense for me because I've always found given heart rate ranges based on percentage of max HR to be too wimpy, and this gives me somewhat higher ranges. Two, I'm going to use HRR training to spend more time in specific HR zones. I'll have hard days where I'm training in zone four (which still should keep me below 173 bpm, so it will be less torturous than before), and I'll follow it up with easy days in zone three, maxing at 159 bpm. (I don't know whether I should do anything other than warm-ups and cool-downs in zone two.)

Today I went out on a zone three run/walk. (That's the (fuzzy) data you're looking at on the right. Yes, there was much more walking than running, but that's OK. (I also went out on a slightly hilly trail, so that was an additional factor.) In the end, I could tell that I worked out, but I was never really breathing hard. In fact, I felt energized when I got in my car, rather than beat down. According to every resource I own and every one I could find on the internet, that means I was in the perfect zone for increasing cardiovascular fitness. (Isn't that weird? To train aerobically, I should never be breathing really hard. Sort of counterintuitive, isn't it?)

So, here's the basic goal: Go for a set distance for each run/walk while maintaining a target heart range. Try to run more and walk less each time. If everything I read (and believe) is correct, I should be able to slowly transition to running the entire distance.

Now, will this get me to running my 5k by April 11? I'm not sure. But I can always run/walk it. More importantly: Will this get me to running at a pace I can actually maintain and enjoy? That, I'm pretty sure, is a yes.

Comments and suggestions are more than welcome. Assuming anyone kept reading to this point. It's OK if you needed a second cup of coffee. I understand.

Crappy Healthful Food: Precursor or Step One?

A thread gone very wrong over at Gyminee got me thinking about a past food pattern. Let's sum up the heart of that thread as: turkey hot dogs, fruit shakes, and low-calorie snack foods do not make a good diet regardless of calories. There was more, but we'll leave it at that.

So, looking back, I noticed that there's a pattern to my behavior right before going off healthful eating (and back to daily Jack in the Box meals): I stop eating predominantly whole foods and start eating nearly 100% packaged "healthy" crap. Luna bars (yum!), balance bars, 100-calorie snack packs, frozen dinners, etc. Shortly thereafter, I dump all facade of healthful eating (because, let's face it, that really isn't healthful) and go back to the drive-through diet.

(Don't get me wrong. There's a place for those healthful packaged foods, but they cannot and should not make up 100% of one's diet.)

Now, I'm not sure which comes first - the diet dominated by packaged products or whatever flawed mentality I have that leads back to overeating - but I think it's an interesting correlation. Kind of like an alcoholic drinking light beer before dumping back into polishing off bottles of whiskey.

My therapist (in our extremely short time together so far) has surmised that my weight problem is one consequence (symptom?) of my not liking myself enough to take care of myself. Well, that's a significant oversimplification, but you get the idea. (I find it humorous because, when I was a child, my mother told me that I'm overweight because I don't like myself. I responded with something like, "No, Mom, I'm overweight because I really like food. Ah... was I not witty as a child?)

Nevertheless, my point: If one overeats because of a lack of self-care/self-love, can one not begin eating within caloric limits and starve oneself nutritionally? Eliminate all the whole foods out of a diet, and the body and mind, surely, would suffer in a similar way as they would suffer under all fast-food crap. Calories don't enter into it, really.

So, while all calories may be created equal on one level, they certainly are not on another. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Food is fuel. The body needs fuel. Now I'm realizing the greater importance of this: Not any fuel will do. Quality counts.

It's OK to drop back (sometimes)... just don't drop out!

The title is my new motto. I realized that I had been pushing myself too hard with the c25k. Let's face it, running at 227 pounds is harder than running at 200 pounds. Does that mean that I shouldn't? Heck no. It just means that I need to have a respectful relationship with my body. I push, but listen when it's just hit its limit. Come to think of it, shouldn't that relationship always exist? Even "real" athletes know where the boundary is and don't berate themselves for paying attention to it. Of course, they don't let that boundary sit there; they shove it back.

Back to the point. Before hopping on the treadmill, I had decided to drop back to week six. It had been over a week since my last run, and that one was a bit of a struggle. (Did I even finish it as written?) Turns out that I dropped back a bit further, but I'm going to blame the ridiculously high heat in the gym today, with no fan available. Really, it felt like I was running in a sauna! Nevertheless, I was close enough that I'll stick on week six, day one for a while, then move up.

I hit the pool and instantly felt how drained I was. The last two swims, I was finally "getting" it. The swim method I was learning was beginning to really click. Today? Not so much. As the author of the method would say, I was practicing struggle. So, what to do? Darned right: cut the swim short. I'm learning how to swim efficiently; I already know/knew how to flop around in "freestyle", desperate for air, so I didn't need to practice that, for heaven's sake! No shame in climbing out, though, as I did 500 good yards in twenty minutes before stopping. I'll do more next time.

So, all together now: "It's OK to drop back... just don't drop out!" There, doesn't that feel better?

She floats on snow!

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Nothing much happened. (And for three days, that's literal.) But I haven't jumped off the wagon. I was absolutely drained for three days, and barely able to make it through work. No excuses, though, so despite not exercising, I ate within limits. I'm trying to figure out what caused the "dainage". Current hypotheses: learning to balance work/home/active lifestyle; insufficient protein intake; problems with priorities; or - possibly - low iron (it's been a while since I ate beef). I'm addressing the last possibility by beginning Centrum Performance supplements again. They have iron, and I have to believe that I won't overdose on iron (a legitimate concern) from a common supplement.

Now, on to yesterday's adventure: snowshoeing! My district's wellness program hosted a snowshoe hike and I gathered the courage to go. (I'm still smarting from the humiliation I suffered at the first wellness adventure years ago.) The leader reassured me, and fellow hikers were more than supportive.

While I could certainly feel my body working, it was never anything I couldn't handle, and I could likely have gone harder and/or farther had I needed to. That's good.

In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I ran off and bought (another) pair of snowshoes. Wait, I hear you protest, if you had a pair of snowshoes, then why are you wearing rentals in that picture? And why do you need another pair? Well, yes, Eagle Eyes, I do own a pair.... good for up to 200 total pounds. (I bought them a while ago, when I was much closer to that weight limit and falling fast). Currently at 227 pounds, and unwilling to snowshoe naked, I had to rent from REI.

That brings me to an interesting (to me, at least) tangent. As I was getting the rental, the man explained the feature that would help on steep ascents. Inside, I chuckled; do I look like someone ready to hit that level of ascent, I jokingly wondered. But wait, the rest of my brain later argued, isn't that exactly what I've been wanting: people who don't judge my ability based on my body shape? Well, yes. So, to the anonymous REI clerk, I say: well done. You weren't coddling me, and you weren't simply humoring me. You were genuinely giving me information that you saw me as possibly needing, regardless of my weight. Well done, indeed.

Back to the trip, the ridge was lovely. That's Lake Tahoe in the background, in case you don't recognize it. There's a moonlight hike this coming weekend, and I'm considering joining again, weather willing. I'll have my very own snowshoes to break in for that trip, you know. I suspect that the view won't be as lovely for that trip. Or, maybe, it'll be even lovelier. Only one way to find out.

Ravenous, and yet...

2,550 calories consumed today (well above my target range of 1466-2066) and I can't quite say that they were healthful. I did eat three fruit servings, but only about two veggie servings. Everything else wasn't horrible, but it wasn't clean either. Too much fat; too little protein.

But I'm not upset. Why? I figure there must be a reason I'm so hungry today. Fitday tells me that I'm still averaging a 800+ calorie deficit per day. And even these thoughts weren't enough to reassure me, let's face it: I could have polished off nearly that many calories (over 1,900) in a single meal in my Jack in the Box days.

More importantly, I'm not exactly satisfied with the day. Yeah, my belly is full, but it doesn't feel quite right. I'm not even close to the level of berating myself, but I am at the level that I'm genuinely looking forward to tomorrow's rice-cooker frittata with whole grains, more than half a cup of broccoli, and a high egg white:egg yolk ratio. Yes, truly. Right now, I realize that I miss the satisfied feeling of a body filled with healthful food, and it will feel good to properly nourish my body tomorrow.

The President's Physical Fitness Award Revisited

Join me as I take a trip back to middle school. I have been overweight my whole life, in varying degrees, so you can picture me in middle school. I had a good circle of friends, but the majority of students did not ignore my weight and awkwardness. (Imagine that!)

Now, cut to a day in social studies class. My teacher announces that I have won the Presidential Academic Fitness Award and presents me with a certificate. Being middle school kids, my peers miss the word "academic". (To be fair, so did I, so I was bewildered until I look at the certificate.) They openly snicker and laugh. My teacher, annoyed, reinforces the word "academic". They finally settle down, but the moment lingers.

Isn't it funny what we remember.

But of course I would never have won the Presidential Fitness Award! Other than riding my bike everywhere, I was in awful shape. I couldn't do a single push-up, modified or not. Sit-ups were OK. I couldn't jog to save my life. Let's not even mention horrifyingly, desperately dangling mess that was supposed to be the chin-up. P.E. class was torture for me, and I was genuinely perplexed by people who looked forward to it. So, not only would I have never won the fitness award; I couldn't care less about it. Well, except for the snickers when my peers thought for a second that I had won it.

Now, coming back to today, when I have begun to "get it" with physical fitness, and imagine my curiosity when I learn about the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports adult fitness test. Interesting. I pop over for a look. I do find that it's a little short on variety of tests, but it's like a thermometer. It's one reading that creates a baseline. OK, I'm in, I decide, and test myself.

My results as of yesterday:

So it took me a while to remember that the 5th percentile is the bottom fifth percent, not the top. My confusion stemmed from the fact that I first used the walking option to compute my results, and that also landed me in the 5th percentile. Surely, I thought (and still believe) that a sixteen-minute walked mile is nothing to sniff at. Not the top, of course, but the bottom?!? Having thought about it, I have since decided that they're using weight and heart rate (taken immediately after finishing, not thirty seconds after), and it probably skews my results.

So I calculated my 1.5 minute mile time from my c25k speeds. I average at about 14:08-minute miles, so this seemed fair. But I still landed in the bottom 5%.

Really? I do believe that many of my age-group acquaintances could neither run 1.5 miles, nor could they walk a 16-minute mile, so I do have my doubts about the validity of my result. I wonder about the testing sample. Are the results being constantly updated from people who use the test? If so, how many couch potatoes are in the sample, compared to how many fitness fanatics?

Nonetheless, it is a measurement tool. It's something I can do again in three months or six months and use to compare growth. I can only go up from here, right? Right.

UPDATE: See how I improved (or didn't improve) with July's results here.

Relatively Painless

It's a good thing the nurse didn't do a blood pressure check for today's doctor appointment. I worked myself up into such a lather over how I thought the conversation was going to go (not to mention the expected disapproval that I'm still overweight) that I was feeling the stress. I may have even been shaking upon entering the office.

I was all worked up for nothing. Although we've had our back-and-forths (I suppose it is difficult to have laypeople regularly challenge your expertise and - trust me - I'm challenging in more ways than one), he basically took it for granted that someone asking for a referral to a mental health provider has a good reason. I told him my reasoning anyway and he didn't bat an eyelash. Maybe he's satisfied that I'm taking a logical step. Maybe he's just tired of arguing with me. Maybe he undestands more than I've given him credit for. I guess it doesn't matter. The good news is that we see things eye-to-eye on this and I'm on my way to developing a relationship with a mental health professional that I believe will help me break through my mysterious barrier.

Now, if you're paying attention, then you'll expect a running update today. Well, the schedule changed a bit. I was so full of energy yesterday that I just couldn't stay home and take a rest day. (How often does that happen?) So off to the pool I went for a swim (A decent 950 yards of swimming and swim drills). When I entered my exercise in my log, I realized: That was my seventh day of exercise. Oopsie! So, my rest day shifted to today and tomorrow will be my run (and strength training).

Get this: I'm looking at my bright yellow Lebert Equalizers sitting across the room and seriously thinking about doing a quick session. But I know better. My body needs to rest once in a while so that it can continue to improve and get stronger. It is sort of nice to have to force myself to take a rest day rather than forcing myself to get out and do something. I mean, really, that's a switch to be proud of.

Is This What They Call the Wall?

Actually, I know the answer: no. Nevertheless, I have to cut myself a break today on what was supposed to be a 2.5 mile run. I'm not exactly happy about it, but I do have to cut myself some slack considering my running and cycling the past two days.

I wasn't going to stop. I had made it over halfway. But, then, I did. (stop=walk, for the record). It was only going to be a .05 mi. walk. Until it became a .10 mi. walk. Or, make that a .15 mi. walk. Followed up shortly after a short run by another .?? mi. walk. And again. According to my GPS software, I ran about 2.05 miles in total and walked the rest.

(Well, actually, it claims that I jogged 2.05 miles... I'm not fast enough to have ever run, even during my end-of-the-run-sprint, according to the software. Sorry, I don't know if I'll ever be running 10:00 minute miles, Mr. SportTracks, and you'll just have to make due with that.)

You know, though, it wasn't that long ago that I was ecstatic with jogging 90 seconds, so I really shouldn't beat myself up over only running a little over two miles. So I won't. To top it off, I then came home and did my weight training.

All in all, it really was not a bad fitness day. I'll take tomorrow as a rest day and I'll get the 2.5 miles done on Wednesday. Not a problem.

Just Checking In...

I imagine that you, my millions of teeming (imaginary) readers are wondering where I've been. Is she quitting again? Already?!? Well, no. I'm not quitting. In fact, since I'm just doing a check-in, I might as well share a measure I'm taking to prevent quitting in the future.

First, a brief run-down: (1) I completed week six of the c25k. It's solid runs from here on out. Go, me! (2) My bike ride today included a couple of (mole)hills, but I survived and felt pretty darned good about it, after I got the first couple of (flat) miles out, that is. Why are the first few miles so hard? (3) I switched my weight training routine. Why, I realized, should I try to suffer through a month of a routine I loathed, detested, and clearly was not ready for? I have never struggled so much with actively avoiding a resistance routine, and I finally figured out that it was simply too hard for me right now. So I've switched to a routine using my new bright-yellow Lebert Equalizers. (I'll probably post a review of sorts after I use them for a bit longer.) One instant improvement: I'm willing to strength train again. So... things are going pretty well, overall.

Now, my preventative measure: I'm (hopefully) going to start therapy. Therapy? I hear you ask, Why therapy when you're back to doing things right? Well, the thing is that I've learned the pattern: I do great. Until I don't. I have no one to blame for the u-turn except for me, so I've got to work on fixing the problem before I hit the u-turn. If I wait until I change directions, then I simply won't get therapy. But, if I start going now and develop a relationship with a therapist, I figure, the groundwork will be laid so that I can break through that wall, rather than changing directions.

But it's all in your control, you scream, just choose to keep going rather than quitting! Yes, yes, I know that I control my destiny. I've done that for 37 years. Well, since my first diet - thanks to Mom - was at age nine, let's say 28 years. Nevertheless, I get to a point where I make stupid choices. I have no one but myself to blame, so... I guess I need to fix me! (Or, improve, at the least.)

Here's what I'm dreading about this decision: I have to get authorization from my physician. Yes, that will likely be fun. How I picture it:

Oh, look, you're fat again.

Yes, yes I am. But I'm doing something about it.

Well, here's how you should do it.

No, no thank you. I know how to lose weight. That's not the problem.

Clearly you don't, here's how to do it.

No, really, I do. I lost 50 pounds in the past this way, and I've lost over 20 pounds in the present this way. Eat healthfully, eat less, exercise more. It's pure math.

(Grudgingly) So why are you here?

I want approval to see a psychiatriatrist.

Why?

Because I want to finish this weight loss, not stall halfway through.

It's all about food choices.

Yes, I know.

So why the therapist?

Because I figure that if a sane person makes stupid choices for long enough, there must be something not quite right in that otherwise sane person.

But it's all about food choices.

Yes, I know.

So why the therapist?

Um... wait.. let me pick some other excuse for seeing a therapist...

Yes, I know it sounds as if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but you don't know this guy. We have a history. You can see it near the bottom of this post. I just hope that I can convince him that, in this, I am right, and I should be authorized to see a psychiatrist. Cross your fingers for me.

Running IS Hard on the Knees.... Sort Of...

She's down!

OK, let's back up. I love running in the dark. I'm not stupid about it, though. I wear a headlamp and, if I'm running in the a.m. darkness, a blinking armband. Our dog, Keena, runs with me, and she'll be a great defense system if I ever need it. She's always on the lookout against threats and, trust me, she'll win if anyone ever tries anything. (Really, though, one look at Keena and they'd think twice anyway.)

But this threat, well, who could have seen this one coming?

Maybe me.

Darn train tracks.

To my credit, I fell into a decent roll. My only real damage is a badly skinned knee. I haven't had this kind of skinned knee since I was eleven. (Seriously: owie!) I'll probably be a bit sore tomorrow, but no harm done. Keena was incredibly sympathetic to my injuries, if you call becoming extremely interested in the base of a nearby bush sympathetic.

I walked a tiny bit and started jogging just in time to misjudge a truck's speed and force it to slow down while crossing the street. (In my defense, it was a zebra crossing, so I did have right of way.) No problems the rest of the way.

So, week 6, day 2 is officially completed. Both one mile running splits were sub 14:00 miles, so I can't complain too much. Up next: 2.25 miles without stopping. I'll be sure to steer clear of railroad tracks. Or, at least, watch where I step.

Taking Victories as They Come.

I just noticed that it's become official: I am no longer morbily obese. I am currently "merely" obese. I do look forward to the day on which I can simply call myself overweight, but I suspect that I may become content in the lower range of the overweight category, shifting my attention to lean muscle mass rather than a number on a BMI chart. (145 lbs will the be magic number that pulls me right to the cusp of a "normal" BMI maximum of 24.9.) But that's a decision to be made about a year down the road.

For now, this victory stands on its own. Go, me!

Footnote: Speaking of BMI, I found something interesting semi-randomly while googling. It's a Flickr set: Illustrated BMI Categories. And no, I'm not there. Maybe I'll throw up a picture at some time in the future, but not yet. One thing at a time.

Why, oh, why do I punish myself so?

So, I'm trudging along on today's run (week six day one of c25k - yay!), and I begin to wonder why, exactly, I'm so focused on pushing myself to becoming a runner. I mean, really, I spent so much energy in my youth convincing people that I was physically unable of running (knees without enough cartilage, you see). I spent over thirty years perfectly satisfied with being a non-runner (at any weight), and here I am, for the second time, pushing myself to become a runner. Why?

I mean, I could lose weight cycling much more easily. Hiking feels great. Weight training is certainly effective and (except for the particular routine I'm currently on) I've not had a problem with it. Those three activities, really, would be enough to achieve a healthy and happy physical state.

So what's with the running?

I have decided that it's the same reason those weight loss shows on television seem to torture contestants: When you prove to yourself that just one previously-impossible feat is actually possible, every challenge becomes achievable.

Yes, I know, you can do anything you set your mind to. We've heard it over and over again, and no one disputes it. And yet, there's this little nagging voice in the back of our minds that always wonders if it is really true. I mean, I can set my mind to learning to fly, and all I'll achieve is a nice stay at the local mental institution. Clearly, the little voice says, we can't do anything just because we decide to.

We can argue with the little voice all we want, explaining that realistic goals are where it's at, but the voice just won't shut up. Until we stomp the voice into the ground by achieving something it's convinced is outside that realm of realistic goals. Until we run a 5k. Or a 10k. Or swim a mile. Or maybe, just maybe, complete a tri.

There is something so absolutely empowering about setting a goal that feels near-impossible and achieving it. I know. I've been there. And I will be there again. And this time, I'll keep going. That little voice is going to learn its lesson once and for all.

Too cold! Too hot! Too small! (Coming soon: Too big!)

OK, so I've established two things:

1) I underdress for riding in the cold.
2) I overdress for running in the cold.

Well, yeah. Duh. I can't run at 16 mph! After yesterday's bike ride (I still shivered through 6.75 miles without losing any fingers to frostbite) I placed an order for a wind jacket and wind-proof cycling gloves. The gloves are no biggie, but the limit in jacket options is a source of frustration. Thank goodness for Team Estrogen!

Actually, getting that jacket was a breeze compared to buying snowpants at REI for a planned (but since sadly cancelled) snowshoe hike. I know, I know: Why carry clothing for larger people since they clearly aren't active? On the other hand, what are larger people supposed to wear when they decide to become active? I'd whine and be angry at "the man", but really I'm angry at myself. It's my own fault that I can't just walk in and pick from many options off the rack.

If all goes as planned, this won't be an issue for long. In fact, if you are a "fat athlete", or know someone who is, be sure to look for my upcoming limited line of lovingly-used plus-sized activewear at ebay!

First Ride of the Year!

January 1, 2009: 9.09 miles on the bike at an average of 13.9 mph. No hills, of course; it was the river path. Oh, sure, it's nothing to sing and dance about, but not too shabby. In fact, it made me - again - wonder why I don't do it more often. (Or, really, considering the last year, at all.)

I made the mistake of telling my father that I rode today instead of yesterday because I wanted to make today the first ride of the year. His response: "If you rode yesterday, that would have been the last of the year." True. But the sad fact stood out: it also would have been the first and only ride of 2008.

Anything else to report? Well, I reluctantly weight trained today. Why am I so reluctant about it? It's an absolute killer. I kid you not. I'm using bodyweight exercises, and trust me: when you're using 234 pounds of bodyweight, those exercises are just too, too much. Except for the one-leg bridges and modified push-ups, my heart/lungs cry out and I get dizzy long before my muscles give up. Well... maybe "long before" is a slight hyperbole, but it is somewhat ironic that my heartrate shoots up more by my weight training than my pre-WT cardio warmup. I suppose it doesn't help that they're "supersets", either. What keeps me going: knowing how awesomely strong I will be in the long run. I mean, think about it. As I build strength and stamina at this weight, think about what that will translate into at a lower weight if I keep up the effort... and manage to avoid passing out and falling into a coma, of course. Small detail.

The picture on the right? That's from the "end of the road" from my river ride today. There were also shopping carts. Shopping carts? The nearest grocery store is waaaayyyy far away. It is a mystery. This hand-scrawled cardboard sign, however, is not. The bike path just stops. Done. Turn around and return to whence you came. "Lands End." This makes me smile.

Cue Pomp and Circumstance

OK, maybe no need for a band... yet. I did finish week four of the c25k plan today. Not such a big deal, perhaps, but important enough because I decided to repeat a day (or more if needed) so that I wouldn't move on until I completed the week four workout exactly as written. Bonus: Each running split was sub-14:00. Yay for me!

I've begun to wonder: What is it, exactly, that prevents some of us from easier success in running? Is it really the body's limit? I mean, sure, one needs to respect the limits of joints, in particular, and cardiovascular fitness does play a role, of course, but there must be something else. After all, when I was young, I could ride for miles and miles and miles. (On an old clunker, mind you. I fondly remember cruising along on Kearny Villa Road and being slowly passed by a "real" cyclist, who looked at my Sears bike, all the other stuff I was carrying, and expressed genuine admiration at my speed, all things considered.) But if I was asked to run around the track? I couldn't make it a single time around the quarter-mile loop without stopping.

How much does an I can't run mentality enter into it? How much of it is pure mind game?

Nevertheless, I'm slowly changing my body, heart, lungs... and mind. Again.

Speaking of mind games, I've made two committments to keep myself in check. I've registered for two "races". One is a demon I need to chase down, and the other is simply a logical goal.

First, for April 11, I've registered for a 5k. The Cool Valley 5k, to be precise. Ask me how much I'm hoping that it's a flat loop. Just ask. (A lot!) If I stay on my current plan, I should have some time to get just a little hill work in before the event. Worst case scenario: I get flashbacks to Virginia City. You know, it's not like Cool, CA is a mountain town, or anything... Nah...

Second: the demon to face. I registered for the Chico Flatflower in 2007. When I heard the predicted weather right before the event, I decided not to go because I would have to camp out and didn't want to have to ride in the rain after sleeping on a cold, hard, wet campground. Or, at least, that was my excuse. Truth, of course, was that I was dropping (dropped) on my training, and I simply didn't feel prepared. Of course: no rain. (Oh, how it added insult to injury when they mailed me my ride swag! I still don't know what to do with that water bottle; I certainly can't use it!)

For this year: I've already registered and booked the hotel room. No excuses. Not this year. Which means... I'd better start getting on the bike! First ride of the year: tomorrow. Sure, the flatflower is "only" 30 miles, but I'm going to need to build a decent base, and I'm basically at zero right now.

Besides, do you think this will be my last cycling event of the year? Of course not! Come to think of it, I do have a little unfinished business in Fallon ... I wonder when registration for that opens...

Clearing out the cobwebs

Well, well, well... Isn't it quite dusty in her? Quite some cleaning to do. I debated long and hard about my options. Option A: Start a brand new blog. Option B: Skip the whole blogging thing. Option C: Bite the bullet and restart this blog.

What the heck am I thinking by picking option C?

Some observations as I wipe off the inches of dust on this blog.

• It's been two and a half years since I first started this blog, and it's been neary two years since I last posted here at all.
• I visited occasionally over that time, although I'm not quite sure why.
• My weight has not yo-yo'd (yo-yo'ed? yo-yoed?) very much in that time. It's yo'ed. That's it. I'm currently at an averaged weight of about 235, having re-peaked at ~254.
• I can be funny when I have a good attitude. I'm glad I have the chance to reread some of my old posts.
• I can be a whiney, self-pitying dud when I get a bad attitude. It's difficult to read the tedious drivel from those days.

So, back to the question above. Why return to the scene of the failure? Because this blog is me, in a sense. If I expect to be able to pick myself up from the ashes and make the changes I've spent a lifetime attempting, then the least I can do is resuscitate this blog.

It seems as if the latter should even be easier than the former, but I'm not sure that's the case. It feels as if there's a little bit of crow on my plate, and perhaps that's as it should be. I hadn't solved all of my problems, and I probably never will. But I can constantly strive for improvement.

That's where I am now. Recognize and honor the past, then face forward and stride purposefully into the future. It feels good.

My Imagination is Evil! (Or, at least, lies.)

Well, hello again.

I've actually been running/walking, biking, and swimming (hey, there's a new one) for a little over a week now. But, there's really been nothing post-worthy. That, and maybe I've been a bit embarassed to write after so many false starts. (Wolf, anyone? With a side of crow?) Regardless, here I am, with a happy story.

About two weeks ago I find myself perusing the bike club calendar, looking for some nice easy rides. Wednesday Workouts starting, I notice. That's nice, but out of my league I'm sure, especially with how long it's been since I really rode. I click for the description anyway. Good for beginners? Interesting. Ettiquette and safety in groups? Definately appropriate. Expected ability: able to ride 10-12 mph nonstop for an hour? Hmmm.... Good question.

I hop on the bike that weekend and find that I can maintain a good 14-15 mph (on the flats, which meets the ride's description) for about 30 minutes. A few days later, I prove that I can maintain it for 45 minutes. That's enough for me... and yet it isn't.

Doubting myself, I call one of the ride organizers to describe myself (it's been a few well-fed and under-excercised months since he's seen me and I make that subtly clear) and ask whether the ride is appropriate for me. His reply is interesting. It starts with, "I'd say yes, but..." then ends with "actually, this ride is perfect for riders like you!" This doesn't help my nagging self-doubts, and he's unable to confirm that others with my challenges will be present to need extra help and patience. "I'd rather have one than zero," he assures. This almost makes it worse.

The $90 worth of new larger (sigh) jerseys I just excitedly bought are in deep trouble of being unused.

I ask others. Should I go? "Yes," they reply, bored at my incessant neediness. They don't understand, I dismiss. I ask the Magic 8-ball the same question. "Doubtful," it gloomily replies, confirming my fears. I even ask the universal decision maker . The negativity continues. Finally, I bribe myself. If I go, I can use my new gym membership afterward with a swim followed by a nice hot-tub soak. Allowing myself a particular shopping splurge may or may not have been promised.

The drive down is difficult. I'm imagining the worst. Elite college atheletes, scoffing at my size and (lack of) ability. I imagine the shame. I picture the not-so-hidden sneers. It'll be like high-school PE all over again, but voluntary this time. I feel the tears welling up. Yes, I'm nearly on the brink of tears.

I'm there, and I've parked. No turning back now. A woman pulls in behind me and confirms that I'm here for the bike ride. She's new too. I mention that I'm here to be majorly outclassed. Smiling, she's relieved to see another unsure cyclist. My arms shoot up in joyous relief. A fellow nervous newbie! If I'm miserable, at least I won't be miserable alone!

Turns out, we weren't the only two. Cyclists of various shapes, ages, abilities and experience levels abounded. We learned very basic pace-line procedures. We rode in circles, practicing. I kept up. I did well... until they hit 18 mph, that is. That's when I dropped back for a few recovery laps. I felt good. I was even complimented on my form. A spectator comments as I ride by, "You've got the biggest smile!" I realize that it's true. I wonder again why I don't do this more often.

The only negative of this ride, is that I should (and do) feel slightly shamed that I was willing to leave the fellow nervous newbie in the dust. My pride at needing to keep up (and being able to do it!) outweighed my decency and attention to her. (My old self-conscious-fat-hiker-with-something-to-prove mantra reared its ugly head: I'd rather die on the trail than be last.) The organizer who had reassured me took the time to to work with her, so I needn't kick myself too hard, but it's a lesson in the golden rule that I'm paying attention to.

My favorite moment: as I packed up my bike, another rider (not one from our slower/newer group) asked if I had fun. After a quick chat including my elite college athlete imaginings, he left me with this: "I hope you had enough fun to do it again." Really? Well, damn. Not a sneer to be found.

This is Not a New Year's Resolution

OK. 227 pounds (yikes). Can't run more than a quarter of a mile at a time again (sigh). My heartrate takes forever to drop down when elevated (grrr). No one to blame for this predicament but myself.

Years ago, I was like most dieters. I would do everything perfectly but then once I did a single thing wrong, I would throw up my hands and exclaim, "Well, that does it! I might as well eat three pints of Häagen-Dazs super premium ice cream of the coffee variety!"

These days, I know better. Every day is a new day. If I mess up today, I have tomorrow to do better.

For the past two and a half months, I began every day knowing that it was a new day and a new opportunity to take better care of my mind and body. And, every day I would make the same decision: Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast (or similar) and the day would go downhill from there.

Today, for the first time in a very long time, I went for a run. (I had to go running before January to make it clear that it wouldn't be part of a temporary New Year's Resolution. Yes, I have issues.) During the warm up my lower back complained and it didn't stop. Now, this could be that I'm visiting relatives and my lower back doesn't like their mattress, but I'm not so sure. I hadn't programmed my Garmin because I had two voices in my head. One insisted that I would bound out the front door and run 3.1 miles (5k) without stopping. The more reasonable voice countered that I should be pleased to be able to run in half-mile intervals.

Reality was worse yet: after a quarter of a mile I had no choice but to return to walking. For two miles that's what I did: run a quarter of a mile, walk a quarter of a mile. Including warm-up and cool-down I traveled a little less than 2.5 miles. Most depressing: during my ultra-slow (didn't think I could get slower, did ya?) runs, my heart rate reached the 170's. At the end of the quarter-mile walk my heart rate was - wait for it - in the 150's. Oh, this is not good. Three months ago my heart rate would drop to the 130's within a matter of seconds.

Surprising, isn't it? The weight annoys me enough (but it's not like I didn't know). The inability to run saddens me (but I expected that). What angers me the most? That I've lost this much cardiovascular health.

Maybe that's a good sign.

"Don't stop now... it's not over yet!"

OK, so I've been AWOL for a long time now. Two weeks. Too much. With my mother in town, rather than giving me the time to exercise without worrying about my psycho-dog, she's created guilt when I spend the time away from her. Or, perhaps, she's provided an excuse. I don't know.

My plan for after she leaves is to return to the gym every day after work. The weather is driving me there. That, and I'm going into withdrawl from netflix discs (I set a video player on the machines).

Now, the question you're surely wondering: did she run last week's race? Of course! I actually think I did pretty well for my first 5k, considering the spottiness of my training up to the race. (I'd only run 3 miles once before.)

I had two friends joining me at the starting line. One sprinted away like a bunny when the cannon rang out (yes, we had a starter cannon), and the other stayed true to her word to walk the 5k while I... um... didn't quite sprint away.

Remembering my struggle from the previous week's century, I made a concerted effort to watch my pace. No faster than 12:00 minute miles; no slower than 13:00 minute miles. A much older man came up from behind me, and I used him to pace myself for a while. At least until he got too far ahead. I told my pride to be quiet as I watched him disappear into the horizon. I had my own race to run, and I was going to run it, darnit.

I played leap-frog with people foolishly alternating too-high effort with recovery walking. Of course, children understandably did this. Certainly, some people may have been walk-running intentionally. I suspect, however, that these two groups were a minority. Of course, that's pretty much what I did during the Virginia City run, so who was I to criticize? I'm just proud of myself that I ran the whole way without stopping. Well, one stop, but that doesn't count. I'll tell you later.

One leap-frogger answered her cell phone and talked for a while. Really? Wow.

A few leap-froggers coincidentally went back to running every single time I caught up with them. Coincidentally, I'm sure. It couldn't possibly be that they figured that they were OK as long as the fat chick stayed behind them. Nah. I even heard one person exhale, "Damn!" when I passed them too soon after they dropped to a walk. I guess they figured out that they might not be able to stay ahead of the fat chick. Poor things. :-)

I think I'm going to have t-shirts made. The front will say: "I'm OK that they're ahead of me." The back will say: "It's OK that you're behind me."

Yes, I had to negotiate with myself. A lot. "Run the first mile, and then you can take a walking break." "No, you don't need to stop after a mile, push through the discomfort." "Remember, this is what running's all about: running when your body is screaming to stop." "You only have a mile to go. Don't you dare think about walking."

Luckily it was a very flat course. Otherwise, I may have told the negotiator in my head to shove it. As it was, it was a successful negotiation. I didn't stop at all. (Yes, yes, we'll get there). In fact, I even kicked up the pace a bit for my third mile despite never having done negative splits before. And, I started a pretty strong kick once I saw the finish line.

Um, yeah. The finish line.

Balloons. People cheering. An announcer even mentioning my (I assume) push to the end. The timing mat.

I pass the timing mat, turned the corner and proudly slow to a walk. Why isn't anyone else slowing down? Then, a voice: "Don't stop now! It's not over yet!" I look up. Oh, man. That wasn't the finish line!

I kick it back up and push. Hard. So hard that I'm a bit nauseated and can't think of stopping to let someone clip off my timing chip, and walk around a bit before returning and stopping for a kind woman to retrieve the chip.

OK, so at least I never intentionally gave up running. I'll have to forgive myself my faux pas. Besides, it gives me an easier PR (personal record) to break at my next race. Next time I'll be sure to look for that big sign showing the time as you finish before I stop. Oh yeah, that. Small clue that you're actually at the finish line.

After grabbing a drink, I returned to the finish line to cheer on my friends (and others) as they finished, basking in the glow of a race well run.

Oh, you want to know how I did? Well, my Garmin reported 38:45. Woohoo! A sub 39 minute 5k for someone who couldn't run 30 seconds not too long ago. Sub 13-minute mile splits on a 5k for someone who got a doctor to write a note excusing her from all running in elementary school (and beyond).

A few days later, my official time changed the sub-39 minute 5k, but didn't change the sub-13-minute pace. The timing chip reported 39:15. I don't quite know why there was a difference. That's still a 12:40/mi pace. I won't complain.

I was also 42nd in my age group, out of 61. Hard to say where I really placed, because they lumped 5k walkers in with 5k runners. I suspect that I was 42nd out of 43. :) Overall, I was 347th out of 543 5k walkers and runners.

It was a very good day.

This is not a hill!

Seriously, that's what they painted on part of the ride I did yesterday! (Notice that I said "did", not completed. More on that later.) There I was, cruising along, looking occasionally for the little green painted arrows on the ground, when I saw those words (or similar words) fly beneath me.

Hmmm... Sure felt like a hill. Sure, a very shallow hill that's more of a flat molehill, but a climb nonetheless. However, it's understandable that, when you're hosting a "No Hill Hundred", you certainly should deny any knowledge of any hill-like presence.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Actually, the notice really made me chuckle as I stood on the pedals and climbed virtually effortlessly. I'll also admit that standing to climb was probably really overkill for that little non-hill.

The whole ride, including the not-a-hill-hill was really very, very enjoyable. From the human bike stands at the first rest stop for the metric (yes, you read that right: metric), to the very friendly volunteers, to the riders of all shapes, sizes, ages, and bikes, to the uncrustables they served at one of the rest stops, and even to the smiling and waving Search and Rescue folks providing SAG suport, my first official ride was a pleasure.

Let me amend that: it was wonderful until mile 54. I didn't bonk; I had plenty of energy. I'm not even positive that I started out too fast, though I'm considering it. I think my body just wasn't ready for 61 darned miles. My quads were in serious pain. I'm not saying they were sore, or cramping, or even a bit tired. They ached so badly that I had to take a break every one to two miles, watching my Garmin every foot of the way. I had to keep negotiating with myself just to go a little further, then I would take a break. This was also after I had slowed down to 10-11 mph, down from my 14-19 mph for most of the ride.

When I almost broke down into tears at the thought of the remaining miles, I made the decision: take a shortcut. You're here for fun, I told myself, not competition. Heck, there wasn't a mass start, and the only one with any knowledge of your time is you. If you're miserable, then there's absolutely no one who will benefit. Your longest ride this year, for heaven's sake, was only 25 miles, and you haven't ridden for weeks! Be proud of what you did, and finish with a smile.

So, openly announcing it to some who passed, and nodding to those who saw me going the opposite way from the route, I took a shortcut back. My total distance was 60.92 miles. I'm not ashamed at all. It was just shy of the ride's planned 61-point-something. (Yes, that's a bit shy of a true metric, so sue them and me.)

In case you're wondering how a shortcut only shaved off a fraction of a mile, let me go back to the beginning of the ride: we got lost. Yes, lost. I was blithely following a few riders, chatting along the way, when we saw a sign that said "no outlet". Really? That's pretty odd, since we just began. They kept going, and I turned around. (Heck, they saw the same sign I did, and even commented on it.) We had missed a turn. That's when I started looking for the green pavement markings religiously and checking my cue sheet obsessively. We also added about two miles to our trip.

So, that's why my shortcut still took me to nearly 61 miles.

Not bad. Not bad at all. And yes, I finished with a smile.

Next week: my first 5k. (Oh yeah, my other milestone of the past week: I ran three miles without stopping for the first time on Wednesday morning. Race day, here I come!)

Oh, more good/neutral news: My weight at this time is 205.3 pounds. That's back down 1.3 pounds from last week. This is making me think: perhaps I should stop counting calories temporarily and start listening to my body. If I'm maintaining my weight despite what I think is significant overeating, maybe my body's telling me something my brain is ignorant of: I need more food. I'm not saying that I'm going to do it, but I'm-a-thinkin': maybe it's time to intentionally put the obsessive calorie counting on pause. If I do take an official break (trial separation?) from my scale and calorie-counting software then, of course, I'll have guidelines to get adequate nutrition from fruits, vegetables, and all that other healthy stuff.

It's really food for thought, ahem, so to speak.

OK, onward and forward. I'll see you again next Sunday, if not before.

(Oh, and though I'm not responding directly lately, thanks to everyone's encouraging words and patient tolerance of my little tantrum. They really mean a lot. Seriously.)

Oh, one last thing: I fit into the skinniest jeans in my closet today. The last time I tried to put them on, I couldn't get them around my hips. OK, so they may have been a teenie-bit too tight. But, who cares? They fit, darnit, and I could breathe, move, and even walk around downtown. Yeehaw!

OK, I'll stop babbling now. :)

Checking In

OK, my temper tantrum is officially over, but things still haven't magically gotten better. (And, no, I'm not quitting. I realize that my parting comment last Sunday was a little unclear. I didn't mean that I was leaving. I meant that I'm not myself lately, and that the real "me" will be back some day. Of course, it's the same me, just not as successful and a bit grumpier.)

OK, so let's see how I'm progressing on my IAP. I told a co-worker about it, by the way, who then responded, "But, Karen, you know that Special Education doesn't work, don't you?" Um, yeah. Big help there, thanks. (Actually, this co-worker and I have a habit of razzing each other. And, since our jobs are both virtually inexorably tied in Special Education, I could almost see the bulge left by his tongue hitting his cheek.)

Anyway, drum roll, please:

Healthy Eating: 8 points out of a possible 28. That's 29%.
Exercise: 5 out of a possible 24. That's 21%.

Yowzers. Ouch. OK, let's think about this. It could be much, much worse. It could have been 0% and 0%. Let's give credit where credit is due. I haven't quit, and - despite a rather ugly little fit - I'm still trudging on, albeit nearly as slowly as molassis at absolute zero.

So, where to go from here? Let's see... In Special Education, when a student doesn't make a goal, we have two choices: modify the goal or keep shooting for the same goal. Since I'm a slow, stubborn learner; I'll keep the same goal. So, two weeks from today I'm looking to hit that 40% mark in both areas. OK, let's compromise: one area.

Since a relative is coming into town and will be able to babysit my dog, thus freeing my schedule a bit more since my roommate went out of town, I think this is totally do-able.

One revision to my previous IAP: Wednesdays are a free day. Not just a reward day, but a free day, period.

I'm actually pleasantly surprised at how little my weight has changed. Don't get me wrong; it's not pretty. But, it's not nearly as bad as it could be. Two weeks ago: 205.5 pounds. One week ago: 204.8 pounds. Today: 206.6 pounds. OK, yes - that's almost a two pound gain in the last week. On the bright side, that's actually a two-pound loss from four weeks ago, and I've been having difficulty since going back to work in the middle of August.

Ok, you want to hear the punchline? I have two events coming up in the next two weeks. Stubborn as I am, I'm still going to do them, though not nearly as well as I might have otherwise. On Saturday, I'll be riding the metric (62 miles) in the "No Hill Hundred". Very optimistic, I know. But, since I can do a slightly hilly 20 miler, I think a completely flat 62 miles (with SAG support) is within the realm of possibility. Worst case scenario: I find out exactly what SAG support is.

Then, a week from then, I have my first 5k. Yikes! I don't think that it will be the "graduation" 5k that it was supposed to be. Worse yet, I've invited - nay, pressured - people from work to run it "with" (read: well ahead of) me. Well, I certainly can't back out of that one, can I? And, actually, there's a possibility that I might be actually (barely) able to run a 5k at that point in time. I just have to hope that it, too, is very, very flat. Any chance that it'll all be downhill? OK, didn't think so.

Hmmm.. maybe that's a metaphor for my overall transformation. Maybe that's what I'm hitting this past month and a half: a long, ugly hill. And I'll be over the summit very soon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. Nevertheless, eventually.

Glimmer of Hope

Hi there. This is just a quick note to those of you who may have thought I was throwing in the towel yesterday. I wasn't, and I'm not. I'm just frustrated.

I'm writing this having just came back in from a short run (30 min total, including warm-up and cool-down). I actually wasn't planning on running, but I woke up at 3:20 and after trying to go back to sleep for half an hour, I decided, "Why not," gave my dog a bone to keep her busy, and went out for a quick run. Felt good, but I have a headache now, and I'm not sure why. Poor nutrition, perhaps. Too long since my last exercise, most likely.

OK, time to hit the showers.

I'm absolutely p*ssed.

Beware: this is not a happy post. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

OK, I've tried everything.

I've pushed myself to maintian my previous levels of activity and healthfulness despite going back to work. I've negotiated reasonable levels.

I've held myself to high standards. I've made concessions.

I've demanded only the best. I've realized that I'll never be perfect.

I have done everything I can think of, and it's not good enough.

Oh, no. Don't get me wrong. This is not a "poor me" post. I am absolutely furious at myself. But it's not making a difference.

I've told others in the past that there may be something deeper and that they should possibly seek professional help when they struggle to make or maintain positive changes. I, however, thought that I had exorcised my personal demons and that I had gotten to the point where there was nothing stopping me from improving my health other than laziness and love of junk food.

So, what's stopping me right now? Why, despite not enjoying the food at all, am I eating junk food? Why, despite knowing that exercise GIVES me energy, am I avoiding it?

I. Just. Don't. Know.

Part of me thinks I should shut down this blog. The few that are still reading are certainly not finding what they're looking for in entertainment/inspiration for the last few weeks. Also, these days, I'm certainly not embodying that "spirit" of athleticism that I wrote about in my first post.

Another part of me says that I should keep the blog up. That whatever state I'm in will pass, and I'll want to look back later on these dark days with fond sympathy for the troubled me.

The second part wins, if only for the glimmer of hope it represents.

So, though the blog will remain, and I plan to post at least weekly, I bid you all a sort of adieu. But, in saying "goodbye", I hope that you will check back occasionally, and that you will return when I do. So, rather than goodbye, I'll use the German phrase that - literally - means until we see each other again:

Auf Wiedersehen.

Special Athleticism

OK, first, since it's Sunday, I should say something about my current status. I've plunged from 205.8 pounds (5-day average) to a shocking... wait for it... 205.5 pounds. Um, yeah. So, I don't think there's any need to post my measurements or any other details. Oh the bright side, I haven't gained any weight.

I'm still struggling in dealing with the "real world" for my activities. Despite my silence, everything did not go smoothly over the past few days. (I'm confessing now. That counts for something, doesn't it?) I'm really having a difficult time in eating properly and keeping active with my work hours.

It recently hit me: if I teach special education, and know to celebrate small steps in my students, why don't I do the same for myself? I mean, really! When we have students who never turn in ANY homework, we may set a goal to have the student turn in 50% of homework. Why can't I do the same thing for myself?

So, in that vein, I'm writing an IAP (individualized athleticism program) for myself. (Students in special education receive individualized educational programs). So, let's run through it.

Present Levels of Performance: I start strong on Sunday or Monday, and fizzle by Wednesday or Thursday, in both activity and healthy eating. For the past two weeks, I've completed 7 out of 24 training activities. That's 29%.

For healthy eating, let's set two "points" per day. I make it within my caloric bounds: 1 point. I eat healthily with reasonable macros and nutrition: 1 point. I do both: 2 points. So, for the past two weeks, I've earned 9 points out of a possible 28. That's 32%.

Strengths and Concerns: Strengths... strengths... yeah, ok. Well, I'm quite the pleasant person and I get along well with others. I rarely run with scissors. Concerns: I'm afraid of continuing slippage and undoing everything I've worked so hard to achieve.

Goals and Objectives: Ok, based on my present levels of performance, I'll shoot for nutritional and activity compliance of at least 40% for the next two weeks. That means completing 10 of my scheduled 24 activities and earning 12 out of 28 possible nutrition points.

Modifications and Accommodations: Hmmm... This is a hard one. Students may received shortened assignments or "time out" passes, but I don't see anything I can steal for my IAP. They might also get preferential seating or a behavior plan. Yeah, can't see anything here. I reserve the right to add these later, though.

Justification of Placement: We, the IAP team, feel that Karen's performance has declined sharply after re-entering the working world this fall. Rather than allowing her to continue this decline, possibly ultimately resuming to couch potato-ness and suffering the shame of needing to pull all of her "fat clothing to give away" back out of the guest room closet, we feel that it would benefit her most to temporarily reduce her own requirements and expectations so that she can develop a base of success from which to build.

There we go. My very own IAP. Special At, here I am.

Two steps forward...

OK, first I'll 'fess up: I did not run on Friday. In fact, I almost overslept! Well, that's the way it goes. My calories were perfectly in line for no activity, though, so that's OK, just not ideal.

Yesterday, I rode an extremely slow ride with the Procrastinating Pedalers. It was a lovely ride, and I'll surely go back. Just not at 10-11 miles per hour.

(Pettiness follows.) I was a little irritated when the leader of the ride turned to the two thinner girls (about my age) and commented that they could probably have gone much faster. Hey! What about me?!? I could have done that extremely flat route at at least 14-15 mph! What's with the assumptions? (Ok, I feel better now.)

Moving on to today: no ride, no run. I will do yoga before the day is over, though. I know I said that I'd be doing some bodyweight training, but self-consciousness is getting to me. This training means that I'll have to go to a playground or other place that has bars I can hang off of. I'm building up to this. It's taking more courage than I expected. For today, I think yoga is a fair substitute.

Overall, I'm beginning to wonder about my workout goals. I'm trying to continue a pretty aggressive schedule despite school starting back up. Maybe I need to cut it down a little bit so I can stop feeling like a flake every other day. Then, if I work out more than planned, it's a bonus. Score!

Finally, here are my current stats. Sadly, it's been exactly four weeks since I posted these, but the good news is that this lag makes them look better than they might have otherwise.

Current 5-day average weight: 205.8 lb.
Total loss since a month ago: 3.8 lb

Current 8-point total size: 210.25 in.
Total loss since a month ago: 1.75 in.

Average daily calories in/out: 2204/2562
Average macronutrients (P%/F%/C%) : 19/32/47

OK, far from ideal, but I'll live with it.

Sneak preview: I went to see the specialist again. I've got a few things to say about that visit. That'll be mentioned either tonight or tomorrow.

Cheating... at Blogging

First, I want to point out that I've updated my schedule over to the right. This schedule begins Friday (we have "Parent Night" tomorrow).

It should be worth noting that I'm trying an experiment with my weight training. Rather than pumping iron at the gym, I'm going to try "body weight" training for a while. I'm starting waaaaayyy at the bottom of the skill levels and, due to an overabundance of the requesite body weight, will probably creep very slowly up the levels. But, really, it somehow makes more sense and is certainly a bit more holistic than resistance training with weights. My only concern is that not very many women seem to do it. Still, at the very least, it should make for one or two interesting blog entries.

Now, on to the cheating: I actually posted the following over at cool-running, and - rather than retell the story - have copied and pasted it here. Feel free to skip if you've already read it, as if you need my permission.

I've heard many times that we data-geeks don't need our fancy GPS watches with HRM, workouts, et al. Perhaps, in the long run, they're right. But, if I didn't have my beloved Garmin this morning, I might have been late to work!

I ran a new route not far from my neighborhood this morning (leaving from my front door). I've biked that particular path, but only one-way - I always come back a different way.

So, there I am in the dark having "run" (ha!) up a hill (for the first time during training), enjoying my run back downhill, when I eventually notice that the darkened houses don't quite look familiar. I look at my handy GPS tracks on my watch and find out that I took the wrong leg of a fork that I didn't even realize was there when coming from the other direction!

My trusty GPS guided me right back to the path I needed without having to backtrack. (Even if I had backtracked without the Garmin, I might still have had trouble discerning exactly where I was supposed to be and go.) Whew!

Yeah, yeah, sure... I know that the purists out there will just tell me to dump the GPS and just pay more attention to where I'm going. Go ahead and say it if you must, but my Garmin now sits on an even higher pedestal then before. Gold pedestal. Security system. Barbed wire all around it. With a framed "Ode to my Garmin" close by.

Now, pardon me as I create a new spreadsheet.

For the cynics out there

OK, I know what a few of you thought: Sure, she got off her butt and ran and biked at the end of a three-day weekend. But what will she do when she has to work out around school again? Will she really drive right by the two McD's, Jack in the Box, and Wendy's from work to home without grabbing an easy dinner? How do I know that that's what you were thinking? Because I thought it myself, of course.

Well, so far so good. I got up this early and did a little yoga with my good friend Steve Ross, and then hiked this evening with the Sierra Club. My food also continued to be what I call reasonably clean. (Forgive me, I'm still recovering over the unintentional battle of the value [or crappiness] of a particular cereal.)

Here's the bad news: I may not have the time or energy to blog very much. So, I may miss a day here and there of blogging, but I'll continue to be honest. If I'm doing well, I'll share it. If I falter, I'll come out and say it. After things settle down a little at work, I'll try to return to daily entries. But really, I'm sure you'll all agree: If something's gotta give, let the blog suffer. :)

No, please don't make me have that piece of chocolate!

Howdy all. You were starting to give up on me, weren't you? Truth be told, I think I started to give up a little on myself as well. Saturday, no doubt, I couldn't blame myself for remaining fairly comatose. Sunday, though, I meant to go cycling with the local bike club and didn't. So today, when I didn't get up early enough to go work out before the warmth of day, I began to worry. Was I going to return to my inactive lifestyle?

I admit, I had given in to Jack in the Box and Snickers over the past few days, but that was supposed to be temporary. But, as the morning wore on and I remained in my pajamas, I had to wonder: Was my plan for temporary refuge in convenience food and inactivity (except for during work) going to backfire and lead to a permanent return to the unhealthful lifestyle I was escaping?

At 6:09 pm today I had my answer: absolutely not.

In fact, I had the same thought that I've had in the past when eating fresh fruit for the first time in a long time: Why had I deprived myself of this joy? That's what the title is referring to. Today, I realized again that training is a pleasure, and I shouldn't deny myself that pleasure.

Stepping out to run again, I felt alive. The stress of planning for tomorrow ebbing, my body and mind being once again pushed to complete a purely athletic task, I encountered the zen-like joy of play. Really, that's what all of this is, I realized. Play. Why deny myself this?

Sure, it's hard, difficult, and painful sometimes, but overall, it's wonderfully rewarding. I'm so glad to be back.

Surprising myself, I successfully met my own challenge and ran 2.5 miles without stopping today, despite the break. My average running pace was 12:48 min/mile. Not too shabby, I think, all things considered. I returned to a particular part of the river that I hadn't run along for a while. I was surprised at how much farther I was going to meet my current distance! (Bonus!)

I was well and truly drained when I returned to my car, however. I sat for a while, drank, enjoyed some Sport Beans, and gazed out at the park for a while, relishing the feeling before changing to go out for a ride.

My ride wasn't quite as successful. That run really sapped my energy (good!), so my ride was much slower than it normally might have been. Still enjoyable, and - since it was dusk - I think I got to sample some new bugs today for a protein boost. It did feel good to get back on the bike. (It's been way too long from cycling). I'm really going to have to work that back into my schedule.

Unfortunately, today showed me that I'm not ready for a 33 mile hilly ride on Saturday. Instead, I'll do the flat beginner's ride. There's a possibility that I'll get some well-needed tips on group riding during that ride, so perhaps it's for the best.

Since I'd neglected my "Sunday Stats" for a while anyway, I'll post those again this coming Sunday. I'm relieved to see that I've gained back surprisingly little weight over this past week.

Ah, once again: it's good to be back.