Sunday, September 24, 2006

I'm absolutely p*ssed.

Beware: this is not a happy post. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

OK, I've tried everything.

I've pushed myself to maintian my previous levels of activity and healthfulness despite going back to work. I've negotiated reasonable levels.

I've held myself to high standards. I've made concessions.

I've demanded only the best. I've realized that I'll never be perfect.

I have done everything I can think of, and it's not good enough.

Oh, no. Don't get me wrong. This is not a "poor me" post. I am absolutely furious at myself. But it's not making a difference.

I've told others in the past that there may be something deeper and that they should possibly seek professional help when they struggle to make or maintain positive changes. I, however, thought that I had exorcised my personal demons and that I had gotten to the point where there was nothing stopping me from improving my health other than laziness and love of junk food.

So, what's stopping me right now? Why, despite not enjoying the food at all, am I eating junk food? Why, despite knowing that exercise GIVES me energy, am I avoiding it?

I. Just. Don't. Know.

Part of me thinks I should shut down this blog. The few that are still reading are certainly not finding what they're looking for in entertainment/inspiration for the last few weeks. Also, these days, I'm certainly not embodying that "spirit" of athleticism that I wrote about in my first post.

Another part of me says that I should keep the blog up. That whatever state I'm in will pass, and I'll want to look back later on these dark days with fond sympathy for the troubled me.

The second part wins, if only for the glimmer of hope it represents.

So, though the blog will remain, and I plan to post at least weekly, I bid you all a sort of adieu. But, in saying "goodbye", I hope that you will check back occasionally, and that you will return when I do. So, rather than goodbye, I'll use the German phrase that - literally - means until we see each other again:

Auf Wiedersehen.

1 comment:

Deborah said...

Nooooooo! Don't quit! You've come so far!

When you talked about "exorcising personal demons," I thought about all the times I thought therapy would somehow make me "better," too. While I've certainly gotten good things from traditional psychology in the past, I think I can recommend something a little more on-point: NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It's a more positive alternative to the usual "dredge up your crappy childhood while weeping in a therapists's office" approach, and it's got lots of good techniques for creating motivation to make big changes like healthier eating and exercise.

Here's a couple of books you might like as primers: "NLP: The New Technology of Achievement" by Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner (IBSN: 0-688-14619-8) and "Core Transformation: Reaching the Wellspring Within" by Connierae Andreas and Tamara Andreas (ISBN 0-911226-33-8).

A good friend of mine is an NLP therapist, which is how I got turned on to this. She does phone consultations. See her website at If you call her, tell her Deborah sent you.

DON'T QUIT! You've been such an inspiration to me and, I know, to others!