Pressing Play

For the past week, I've allowed myself to eat right around maintenance. My body has responded in exactly the expected manner: I've flatlined. Actually, I'm impressed with just about how perfectly I've flatlined. My daily weight on the scale doesn't even have the expected water-weight fluctuation. How bizarre is that?

Now, while some people may think this flatline is a bad thing, I think it's perfect. It shows that the math I've been using is right on. It also shows that my relationship with food is becoming much improved. Despite being more relaxed with my nutrition, I haven't been overeating or bingeing. (And I haven't been eating Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for breakfast...) Overall, it's been a great experiment. And I think it's been a good break for my body, as well.

So, I've had the weight loss on pause for a week now. That's enough. Today I press play and continue on.

Of Optimism and Clothing

When you're losing a significant amount of weight, clothing becomes an issue. Some people, like me, may begin with a closet bursting with too-small clothing, so at least you have a few things that fit as you shrink. (You may know how it goes. If you gain weight and it stops fitting, you can't bear to get rid of it. If you lose weight and stops fitting, you can't wait to get rid of it.)

Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Some time ago I called a local charity to pick up a donation. The donated items had been steadily collecting in my hallway as I would try on outfits and "disgustedly" have to toss items on the charity pile because they were too baggy. Here's a picture:

Isn't it purty? You can't tell by the photo, but there were come cute tops and skirts in that pile. But that's OK. I don't really miss them. (Would you?) I'm not even sad that I've "had to" start another charity pile. It's tiny now, but it'll grow.

OK, back to my point. Again, clothing becomes an issue when you have a lot to lose. Part of the problem is that you don't know how much you want to invest in clothes that fit you at your current (temporary) size. What to do? You certainly can't keep wearing the old baggy clothes. Baggy clothes don't tell the world that you're losing weight; they tell the world that you don't know how to dress yourself. So you have to do something.

Shopping in a local store is one option, but you may recall that an anonymous friend/coworker/sweetiepie left me a hint by way of a business card for a tailor. Yes, I took some of my better items to a tailor and got them adjusted. I made a mistake, though. I didn't point out that I planned on continuing the weight loss. Cut to a few days ago when I, for the first time, put on one of the skirts that I had adjusted. It was already too loose. Oh, sweet irony. So, learn from me: If you're in my position, be sure to tell the tailor to resize tight. Otherwise you're just throwing away money. (But don't worry if you make this mistake. You can't get too angry about it, now can you? I know I couldn't.)

Even shopping in a local store is problematic. You buy something that fits perfectly... two weeks later it's just a tiny bit too big. Oh, the local charities are going to love me for the barely-worn clothes they'll soon receive.

Another option, of course, is shopping online. But this opened the door for a different problem. Things were on sale recently, but here's where you run into trouble with different brands (particularly with athletic wear, which was all I was buying). I may be 1X or XL in some styles, but I'm still to big for most of the XL sportswear that I just bought. Sigh. (Cute stuff, too.) But that's OK, I'll shrink into them. I've got time. And at least I now have some more "Ooh, it finally fits!" clothing to celebrate later.

However, with summer break nearly here, I'll be darned if I buy any "real" clothes. I'll look like I can't dress myself if I have to; I'm OK with it. I've got two and a half months to save up and prepare for some massive shopping in the fall. That's going to be fun. But I'll still have to be careful. The journey still won't be over by then. What a perplexingly delightful problem to have.

Second Weight Goal Down. And Now?

Finally hit 199 (averaged) today. Whew. The last few ounces felt like forever. Next target: 174. Why 174? Because at 174 I am officially "overweight" rather than obese. Yeah, that's according to the BMI charts which I don't quite agree with, but let's face it: I don't believe in the Easter Bunny but I still eat confections shaped like long-eared rodents and their off-species offspring, right?

Wish me luck. Ha! No, don't do that. If you're going to wish me anything, wish me joy. I'm sure I'll find it without your wishes, but it'll be a nice thought anyway.

Cycling Lesson #781

Went on a nice ride today in the "valleys" around my home. This means I was facing some rolling hills, but I was ready. To my surprise, the hills really weren't getting to me. Sure, I had to work, but I wasn't struggling as much as I expected. (I was also trying to practice something I just read about: a sort of zen feeling of letting the hill come to me rather than trying to force the climb.)

Things were going well. I then turned East and prepared for what I remembered to be a relatively long, slow climb. (It's been a few years since I went into that particular area.) To my surprise, it seeed to be mainly flat with a little downhill! Easier ride than I thought.

Then I looped back around.

Oh, my.

That mainly flat area with a little downhill actually had been uphill! For a moment I thought I'd really developed some great climbing stamina. Then reality sets in: The wind! The wind was pushing me up that hill.

You know what that means, right?

Yep, I had to really push it to go back downhill! That's got to be the most annoying thing in cycling, having to work hard to go downhill against a headwind.

Luckily, it got a little better when I turned back South, but not much.

So, lesson #781: If the ascent seems to easy to be true... be ready for a hard descent.

(I still had a blast.)

Deep Thoughts

No Jack Handey thoughts here, but I feel the need to get some thoughts down. You may or may not know that I've been seeing a therapist to help me get a handle on whatever had been holding me back from continuing and maintaining weight loss.

The good news is that I don't feel like slowing down my weight loss at all right now. My reasonable destination (155) feels very much assured right now, and further destinations (145 or - maybe - 135) feel like strong possibilities, though I can't say until I get closer whether or not I even want to go that low.

The other (not really "bad") news is that some thoughts have been swirling around my head lately, that need some sorting. Or at least some venting. Since my "averaged" weight is right smack on 200.0 today, it seems an appropriate day to do so. Something about being on the verge of multiple breakthroughs; it's apt. Alright, on with the show.

First, I spent a few days last week in what I'll call a "middle school girl" mentality. I had spent a few hours with a guy friend and became a little delusional about it, imagining that he was interested in me romantically. (I'm 99.995% sure that he has zero interested in me.) But, more importantly, this brought me into a very weird place. I genuinely argued with myself for a while, and it really wasn't even about whether or not he was interested. It was about whether or not I was even worthy of his interest. Why the hell not? Indeed, why not. But I'm going to assume that I don't need to spell out my insecurities.

But here's where it gets icky. Part of me (delusionally) continues to think that there's a hope here. (Note that I'm not even asking myself whether or not I even am or should be interested in him.) Part of me thinks that I'm not even on his radar because I'm so far below his league. But am I? I really don't kow anymore. Maybe I'm not, so maybe there's an opportunity. But of course not. So, there we go. Around and around. Back and forth.

Have I kept myself overweight so that I don't even have to deal with this? So that I can brush off any possibility and not even worry about being vulnerable? I mean, really, it makes sense, doesn't it? Cloister yourself well enough, and you don't have to worry about rejection. And if someone happens to express interest despite your weight and semi-monkhood, then there's clearly something wrong with him, and you definitely don't want to get anywhere close to him! (I used to "joke" that if anyone had low enough standards to be interested in me... my standards were too high to be interested in him. That was a joke. Or so I convinced myself. How awful.)

Something similar is going on with simply trying to let myself develop a social life. Same self-imposed hermitage, same weird arguments with self. Well, they're slightly different. Now part of me argues that they spend time with me only because they feel sorry for me. (How insane is that part of me? How many people choose to spend time with people they don't like only out of pity? Come on!) But no matter how I try to rationally argue that, and how absolutely insane it sounds, that part of me remains convinced that few people want to be my friend.

And if I keep hiding myself away, that part of me can always feel justified that people don't like me. And the other part of me never has to deal with the possibility that that part is right. (How awful would that be?)

I don't remember quite what I said yesterday, but I was beginning to use the gym as an excuse to maintain my hermitage yesterday afternoon. They brushed it off, and then began reassuring me about my appearance and, really, general worthiness. Frak. Good intentions aside, that doesn't help. That just makes me realize that I'm putting out this unworthy, needy attitude, and that's the last thing I want.

(And, beyond that, I really did need to get to the gym. Yesterday makes the third consecutive day without exercising, and I genuinely do not want to get into the wrong pattern. But a social life is definitely needed. I'm tired of being a hermit.)

The good news is that I did stay, chated while they ate dinner (I ate a little earlier), and watched a movie with them. A good time in general. And the earth didn't crumble.

But I can't get those "voices" in my head to shut up. It gets tiresome; it really does. I really need to get this stuff worked out. My outside is very close to "normal". The inside needs to catch up.

198.2

My "averaged" weight still needs to catch up, and I won't be surprised to see a higher number tomorrow, but this was my weight this morning. 198.2. So long, 200.

Yippie-kai-ay, mother....er.

Sanity Slowly Rears its Head

Update on yesterday's post: I went to the tri's website to look at the times. You know, just to see last year's times. I figured it would probably take me about two hours (or just a little under) to do this particular triathlon.

The good news: It's all flat.

The better news: The slowest finish last year was about 2:20. I think I could beat that. (No 80-year-olds entered, though.)

But now... the bad news: 27 competitors last year.

Not everyone may understand this, but to be a fat(ish by then), slow athlete in a crowd is one thing. But to be one of 28 competitors? Oh, my. That may take much more courage than I can muster up by then.

I'm going to have to do quite a bit of thinking...

Doctor, I Think She's Losing It

I don't know what deficiency this is a sign of (iron? zinc? brownie?), but I might be losing my mind. I got a flyer in the mail today from a local county parks & rec - they host the flat century ride that I'm planning to ride later this year. I opened it, expecting information on that ride.

It wasn't that, but they apprently have two other events to advertise. One is a 36 mile poker run (first ever for the area). Sounds interesting, and I might sign up. The other is a "sprint" triathlon. Swim 1/3 mile, bike 14 mles, run 5k. You know, I think to myself, I could do that one day. I look more closely, thinking, when is this, anyway?

August 15.

I might just be able to do that by then.

I must be losing my mind.

But I might be able to.

No, I wouldn't have a snowflake's chance in the Sahara of winning anything, but I could finish. Since age classes go up to 85, I might not even come in last.

By August... I could do this.

Son of a gun, am I ready to become a triathlete this year?

It's Official

I have cheekbones. I should probably now stop using my blush to fake cheekbones. (I'm not sure where to apply it anymore!)

An Offering

Sorry that I've been a bit quiet lately. It's not that I don't have anything to say; I'm just not prioitizing properly to sit down and say it. (I'd better get that ride report out before the details all vanish to the recesses of my mind.) Anyway, here's an offering to tide my masses of teeming readers (ha!) over.

Egads, I've been avoiding this for a reason. Ready? I'm posting photos. Sure, my current photo isn't bad (it's not exacly "good, either), but it's worlds better than my before photo. And my before photo isn't even the worst I could find. I'm sparing you the worst. (Hey, are you sure you want to see these? You can navigate away now, before it's too late... I won't say anything.)

Of course, since I'm somewhere around my halfway point, I really can't complain too much.

Oh, and get this: The shirt I'm wearing in my current photo? I got a ton of compliments on it (and we know they weren't just complimenting the top, right?). More importantly, get this: it's a 14-16. (Ye gods!) Sure, yeah, it's a Lane Bryant 14-16, but let's put this back into perspective: Last summer, I was wearing Lane Bryant tops in 22-24. That's nothing to sniff at.

Oh, yeah, a co-worker told me that some people have taken to calling me "The Incredible Shrinking Woman". Can you believe it? They're so funny.

Um, ok, yeah, no more stalling. Here goes...

Summer 2008:

April, 2009: